Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

who do you go to

August 13, 2009

I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 6 years old when I discovered for the first time that it’s possible to have flaws myself. Although I can recall many times when I was blissfully happy, and those moments overshadow the times of depression I had when I was growing up, the episodes of depression I’ve had since about 2006 seem to be overshadowing the moments of happiness I’ve had.

Maybe it’s simply a matter of numbers. More of my time has been spent depressed than happy. I really don’t know. I’m not the most introspective person out there. I might know that I’m a certain way, and I might be honest about what’s going on in my mind, But I don’t know what causes me to be this way, you know?

In the past I’ve had people I could talk to about these problems. But lately it seems I only bring distress to the people I try to get help from. How do you tell your greatest confidant that the way your relationship functions depresses you without putting a lot of unnecessary stress on that person, or driving that person further away from you?

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I should probably be seeing a therapist. So, I looked up ‘chicago therapists’ on google, found a few therapists I believed could help me, wrote down their contact information, and contacted one via email, and one via phone call.

These people were Ms. Kirsten Randall Belzer (clinical social work / therapist), and Dr. Don Elggin (Psychologist / PHD). Belzer was contacted via email, and Elggin was called & left a message. It’s been 8 days since I emailed, and 4 days since I’ve called. I specifically held out on contacting other psychologists and therapists because I expected these people to contact me within at least 1 business day.

You would think someone working in mental health would have the sense to contact a potential client as soon as possible. What if their client suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder? They could easily worsen a person’s psychological state by ignoring them for an extended period of time. I clearly stated why I needed to see a therapist, what my phone number is, and even what my phone number is. Am I supposed to be going about this another way? Should I just down a bottle of pills with as much jack daniels as i can stand, go to the hospital the next day, and have the emergency room personnel contact the therapist to let them know that I’m ready?

I can’t talk to fucking anyone. A relationship will form, I’ll become frustrated with myself over my interaction with that person, and that relationship will just be another debilitator. I need someone I hold no social relationship with. Someone I can just meet regularly to discuss all of my god damn problems. I can’t fucking handle this anymore.


3 days

January 21, 2009

3 days

On monday I got out of work at 9:30am, and grabbed a taxi back to bridgeport. The taxi driver was extraordinarily cool. I usually get an indian or african cab driver, but this was an american black guy who seemed to be much on the same level as me. he was an ex-tech worker, network engineer. His hat and attitude reflected the way of a pothead. We had a nice chat about network equipment, and discussed the fine points of juniper and cisco networking. Failover protocol and so forth. He got me back to bridgeport really quickly via the dan ryan, the whole ride was only $7, and he got me back in like 8 minutes.

When I got home, I started talking with this girl I’ve been talking with for the past few months. Her name is Lauren. I met her on okc, but I’m not going to reveal her id for her own privacy. I had asked her if she wanted to get dinner last week, and she agreed on monday, but warned me that the following days in her schedule were completely tied up. Dreading the fact that I was getting out of work monday morning, and would have to spend the whole afternoon after work cleaning my apartment, I still went with her idea, and agreed to take her to a chinese restaurant we would both enjoy due to the fact that it’s a byob.

Well, Lauren had some bad news. Her sickness of the previous day had gotten much worse, and she was feeling bad. I took this as a hint that she probably shouldn’t be going out on this night, and told her that it would be ok if she canceled for the day. She still insisted that she could make it, but I knew her mindset, and insisted that she stay in for the night to better her health. We then went over the possibility that she would see me on wednesday, but was unsure about a pre-scheduled meetup with another guy she is seeing. I said ok, and that was that.

So, I went to bed after that, and woke up around 11pm. I was pretty hungry, but i ignored it, and decided to instead listen to music in my room. I did this for a few hours, and then hiked to the north side of town to visit two specific places: the flatiron, and flash taco. So, i checked the cta bus tracker to see if the number 8 was running, but it wasn’t. So, this enacted a requirement to walk to the redline, ride it to jackson, and transfer to the blue line to get to damen. I gave it some thought, and decided that flash taco was worth it, so I threw on my coat, and the journey started.

I got to the train station at about 1:30am, and jumped on the train with mostly sleeping homeless men. It smelled pretty bad, and the heating was busted, but i stuck it out. Eventually we got to Jackson, and from there I transferred onto a o’hare bound train that seemed to be filled with mostly hipster types coming up north from uic. The ride was fairly comfortable, well heated, and pleasant aside from the voices in my head that seem to constantly insult me whenever I’m outside by myself this late.

Yeah, my head’s a little fucked up that way. If i’m ever out by myself in the middle of the night, and there are groups of people around me, my mind will insult me in a way which i could imagine that person insulting me. I don’t know why, it’s been going on for a few months now.

so, eventually we got to damen, and I got off the train and walked into the flat iron. There were a lot of people in the bar for it being 2:30 on a monday night, but i managed to find a place to sit in the corner. I stayed there for probably about an hour, sipping guiness, newcastle, rogue, and later scotch. Eventually i got sick of being there, so I dropped a tip, and wandered back outside. I was still pretty hungry, so I popped into flash taco and got a burrito, and then left to get onto the forest park blue line.

While I was standing there with a group of maybe 5 other people, a guy walks up to me and asks if I can buy some mushrooms off him because he has to run to get on an airplane. I said i’d think about it, and he went on to other people. The train rolled up about 5 minutes later, and I got on and sat next to him and another woman who seemed to be interested in what he had.

I ended up buying some mushrooms off him, and the three of us had a nice chat about our lives. The woman was about 35, and he was 26. We were all pretty friendly with eachother, and seemed to relate on a level. Eventually the train came back to Jackson, and I transferred off it and back to the redline. From there, I took the redline back to 35th, and later got back to my home. At home, I stayed online for another hour, and went to bed at 5am.

9am rolls around, I am wide awake and have a fairly bad headache on account of drinking a good amount at the flat iron. My stomach was still in good condition on account of the burrito I had ate after drinking.

Tuesday was probably the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I was feeling fairly worthless because I didn’t talk to a single person at the bar, and my mood for the whole day was poor because of it. Everyone seemed to busy to want to talk, there was still hope for seeing lauren on wednesday, but nothing certain. I had a chat with victoria, the girl I went to visit in portland, and she told me that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. She says that she doesn’t know if she can deal with me. My friend andy stopped by, but only hung out for about 6 minutes and left.

I ended up staying up straight into the night on the 4 hours of sleep i’d gotten the previous night, and at 1am remembered that I had to deliver some medicinal marijuana to a lady I’m friends with on the north side. So, I wandered back outside to the redline, took that to belmont, and transferred to the brownline which I rode to montrose. From there, i walked to her place, dropped off her stuff, and began walking back to the brownline.

I got to the brownline after about 15 minutes of walking, and was greeted with a suprise. The southbound line was closed for the night. “ffffuck me” i said to myself, but figured I could stand to walk for a while.

From there, I wandered one block east to ravenswood, and walked from montrose all the way to Addison, and from there, east to the redline. The walk took maybe 40 minutes, and I got to discover some places I want to check out. One of them is a turkish restaurant that’s also byob. Doesn’t that sound like the best thing ever?

I got to the redline just as a southbound train was pulling up, but it left before I got to the platform. So, I had to wait about 15 minutes for another train to pull up. During this time, a big guy got onto the platform with me, and stood next to me. He started trying to talk to me using sign language, but I’m not knowledgable of sign language, and wasn’t able to communicate with him. I was pretty bummed by this fact, because I think it would be nice to talk with him.

The train eventually pulled up, we got onto the train, and I rode this back south to 35th, and hiked back home.

I got home at about 4am, and decided to immediately go to bed. So, i snuggled up in my blanket and slept until about 2:30pm today. I then woke up, still depressed over the past two days, and thought of something I could do to make myself happier. I then remembered that I had some friends out in Bloomington, IL. They used to work with us at work, company called Ubiquity. So, I fired up an aim chat with one of my buddies who owns the company, and worked out a plan to visit. I’ll be leaving chicago at about 9:30am tomorrow to get to bloomington, IL tomorrow at noon. Then, I’ll come back to chicago at 5pm.

Lauren gave me an answer about dinner, the other guy wants to see her. “ok” i say.

and now i go out to drink more.


January 15, 2009

i got back from portland a couple of nights ago around midnight. It was fairly nice, many fun times, most of which can’t currently be located in my memory.

I got there at about 3pm their time, and met my buddy victoria at the airport. We grabbed my suitcase, and took their rail line, ‘the max’ back south downtown. There, we stopped to talk with a friend of hers, and while we were there, a group of people who weren’t wearing pants jumped on the train along with us.

So, we were on a train with about 14 or so people only wearing their tops, underwear, no pants, with shoes/socks/etc, just no pants.

So, we got off a few stops later, and surprisingly, the group of pantsless people got off with us, and proceeded to walk in the same direction we were heading in.

As we walked down the street, the group, i’m sorry, i should say “mob” came in closer to us, and began striking conversation with us. When we got to a no-walk crosswalk, i decided that I was a bit overdressed, so i yanked off the belt, handed it to victoria, dropped & removed my pants, and victoria did the same.

We would go on to walk another few blocks with this group, with dancing of course, and eventually a pantsed stranger wandered into the group. When the group asked him to drop, he was weary at first, but then they further encouraged him, and he ended up whipping out his underwearless stuff on a public street.

But somehow, this was all perfectly ok. He swung his stuff around on a street corner in front of a group of college-aged people, we all got a laugh, and that was that.

From there, me, victoria, and the mob got onto their streetcar, the mob rode that for one block, but i was still carrying my suitcase, so me and victoria vouched to continue back to her place so I could drop off my suitcase, and we could come up with plans for the later day. After the mob left we rode around without pants for another block, but eventually put our pants back on.

A few stops later we got off, and went back to her place. It was an interesting first hour.

i might write more about portland. A lot of stuff happened, and I’m pretty sure my credit card’s going to have a debt for a really long time.

today’s bike trip

October 9, 2005

same old reutine. Through oxford lakes, down glaespe, cut through to access m24, to the other side of oxford, cut through gold course to access high school, back down very large hill, back through town, and back onto glaespe, then back through oxford lakes, and through neighborhood to home.

Either 10 or 11 miles. I don’t remember.

It’s supposed to be in the 60s tomorrow. Hopefully is right. I’ll probably make a trip out to the grandmother’s house. That should give me something between 10 and 20 miles.

That’s about it. Lateiros People.

DSL Status

September 29, 2005

DSL will get installed friday. The equipment came today, but the kit they sent us says we can’t install it until the software is installed, and we can’t install the software until the connection is activated, all of that will be happening friday.

Aside from that, the 14 feet of cat5 cable they gave us won’t reach from the main phone jack in the kitchen, to the modem that’ll be sitting here at the computer. So, i’m gonna have to go up to the local computer shop tomorrow to pick up 25 feet of cat5 cable for $12. Then I’ll be able to get a connection from the phone jack way over there >>> to the modem which will be sitting on my desk over there ^^^ . The other cable they gave us to connect the modem to my ethernet port will reach far enough. Woo hoo.

Yeah Heah!

Missing Dolphin – Armed and Dangerous

September 27, 2005

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy’s cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying ‘toxic dart’ guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet’s smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.

Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government’s marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.

‘My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,’ he said. ‘The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?’

Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. ‘The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?’ said Sheridan.

The mystery surfaced when a separate group of dolphins was washed from a commercial oceanarium on the Mississippi coast during Katrina. Eight were found with the navy’s help, but the dolphins were not returned until US navy scientists had examined them.

Sheridan is convinced the scientists were keen to ensure the dolphins were not the navy’s, understood to be kept in training ponds in a sound in Louisiana, close to Lake Pontchartrain, whose waters devastated New Orleans.

The navy launched the classified Cetacean Intelligence Mission in San Diego in 1989, where dolphins, fitted with harnesses and small electrodes planted under their skin, were taught to patrol and protect Trident submarines in harbour and stationary warships at sea.

Criticism from animal rights groups ensured the use of dolphins became more secretive. But the project gained impetus after the Yemen terror attack on the USS Cole in 2000. Dolphins have also been used to detect mines near an Iraqi port.


That’s hilarious.

Today’s Trip

September 24, 2005

As i left, i knew it would be a pretty exhausting ride. I had mcdonalds for dinner an hour earlier, and i was still tired. However, it was getting dark, and i knew i’d have to leave then in order to make it home in time.

So, i left and rode down the pollyann trail from my house on lakeville road, all the way down to lake george road. The trip there was only 2.0 miles. Once there, i knew i would have to ride different way back in order to make 10 miles. So, i headed northbound down lake george road until reaching ray road.

From there, i rode north for a while until reaching ray road. Then i took ray road west, all the way down to hosner road. At hosner road, i rode south until reaching the pollyann trail. After that, i rode the pollyann trail back past home, and all the way down to the oxford lakes subdivision. From there, i rode down their roads, all the way around the lake, and out the alternate exit. After that, i went down lakeville road, and back home.

While riding through the neighborhood, i got to have a little chat with a guy i knew back in middle school, and high school. His name is alex williams. He’s a pretty cool guy, always very funny, pretty energetic.

After that chat, i went back home. My odometer now reads 140.5 miles, it read 130.1 miles when i left. So, i cleared the usual 10 mile distance. Hooray.