Archive for August, 2009

who do you go to

August 13, 2009

I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 6 years old when I discovered for the first time that it’s possible to have flaws myself. Although I can recall many times when I was blissfully happy, and those moments overshadow the times of depression I had when I was growing up, the episodes of depression I’ve had since about 2006 seem to be overshadowing the moments of happiness I’ve had.

Maybe it’s simply a matter of numbers. More of my time has been spent depressed than happy. I really don’t know. I’m not the most introspective person out there. I might know that I’m a certain way, and I might be honest about what’s going on in my mind, But I don’t know what causes me to be this way, you know?

In the past I’ve had people I could talk to about these problems. But lately it seems I only bring distress to the people I try to get help from. How do you tell your greatest confidant that the way your relationship functions depresses you without putting a lot of unnecessary stress on that person, or driving that person further away from you?

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I should probably be seeing a therapist. So, I looked up ‘chicago therapists’ on google, found a few therapists I believed could help me, wrote down their contact information, and contacted one via email, and one via phone call.

These people were Ms. Kirsten Randall Belzer (clinical social work / therapist), and Dr. Don Elggin (Psychologist / PHD). Belzer was contacted via email, and Elggin was called & left a message. It’s been 8 days since I emailed, and 4 days since I’ve called. I specifically held out on contacting other psychologists and therapists because I expected these people to contact me within at least 1 business day.

You would think someone working in mental health would have the sense to contact a potential client as soon as possible. What if their client suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder? They could easily worsen a person’s psychological state by ignoring them for an extended period of time. I clearly stated why I needed to see a therapist, what my phone number is, and even what my phone number is. Am I supposed to be going about this another way? Should I just down a bottle of pills with as much jack daniels as i can stand, go to the hospital the next day, and have the emergency room personnel contact the therapist to let them know that I’m ready?

I can’t talk to fucking anyone. A relationship will form, I’ll become frustrated with myself over my interaction with that person, and that relationship will just be another debilitator. I need someone I hold no social relationship with. Someone I can just meet regularly to discuss all of my god damn problems. I can’t fucking handle this anymore.